Before and After

August 30th, 4:05pm

I am sitting in the waiting room of my Gastroenterologist's office, and my heart is racing. I feel sick to my stomach and it is just a routine check up. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I felt good all morning--played some music, read a bit, relaxed and thought to myself, "Huh! I've finally shaken my pre-appointment jitters!" But 2:oo rolled around and so began my anxiety. I feel nauseous at the thought of being weighed despite my hefty food intake today. (I tried to eat as much as I could stomach and I drank a ton of water before I got here. I know it's kind of cheating, but...) I can't even explain the reasoning. I'm really not too worried about what I'm going to say about my health--maybe it's just an environmental reaction. I've had some uncomfortable things come out of these routine visits in the past, maybe I'm just afraid of getting burned again. I need a counselor I think.

Ok, so today is September 5th. The doctor's appointment was completely fine. They said I was a highly uncommon Crohn's patient in that I'm not on any medication, my last blood test was pretty much perfect, my energy is good, and I'm not having any real active symptoms. It's just that pesky weight. My doctor said that he hoped my weight would be a little better by this appointment (it was the same as last time--98lbs). But this time he said something that may have changed the way I will think about my next visit/myself in general. He said, "If you're healthy and your energy is good, the weight doesn't really matter so much. It would be nice to have a bit of a cushion, but as long as you're feeling well, it's not that big of a deal." That was such a relief to hear. He still gave me the name of a dietitian, because I definitely would like to have some "cushion" as well, but I feel like the way I'm going to get to that point is going to be better now in a way. Instead of putting all kinds of negative pressure on myself to gain weight or else (what the "or else" is, I'm not entirely sure) I feel like my starting place is not a bad place. If I have a day where I haven't eaten as much as I would like to, I haven't been so hard on myself, because I can recognize that everyone probably has days like that. Sometimes life gets busy and sometimes you can't plan every meal exactly the way you would like. In short, I feel like I can be more positive during the times when I've eaten enough and cut myself some slack when I haven't. I buy into positive energy kind of stuff, so hopefully an improved attitude towards myself and my weight will help me in the long run. :)