I just realized it's been a long time since I posted anything here, so here goes.
The past week or so has had a few ups and downs. There have been days that I've felt crappy about myself and other days where I don't care at all what people say or think. It's kind of like a manic state of self-esteem. I haven't "measured" my arms much at all (except for a couple times today, and then thought to myself, knock it off, you're fine). I haven't been consistent about tracking my food intake or doing any of the weight training, and for that I am disappointed in myself a little bit. I always get so psyched up about stuff like that only to let my enthusiasm deflate into passivity. There ya have it, my second epiphany: whenever I get excited about a wellness routine, I usually forget about it within a week and feel awful about it. I wonder to myself, why can't I just commit to this? I know it's good for me. But old habits die hard I suppose. Maybe I'll start again today. We'll see.
Despite all that though, I have been having more days where I feel okay about myself. I have felt unapologetic for my appearance, and really have believed that there's nothing wrong with it. I know I'm thin, but every body is different (that's what I tell my preschoolers anyway when they point out my size). However, despite all the better feelings, I am still anxious for a GI doctor's appointment that's coming up in ten days. I am a little worried because my weight is either the same or lower than it was a few months ago. And even though I'm feeling good, and my energy is pretty high right now, I am still nervous that the low number on the scale will override any other good news. It usually goes this way:
Doctor: Well everything looks pretty normal. Your blood tests all came back good, your energy is up, but there's still the issue of the weight. What do you think is the problem?
Me: Um, I don't know. Sometimes I have a good appetite and sometimes I don't. It seems like even when I do consistently eat a lot of calories, my weight either doesn't change, or I feel gross for a few days and lose any progress that I've made. It takes me two weeks to gain five pounds and then I can lose it in like a day and half.
Doctor: What do you think we should do about it?
Me: Maybe if I had a set schedule it would help. Maybe if I planned out meals and had regular lunch times, things would improve.
[In reality, I do kind of have a schedule, but only a couple days a week. I am just sick of everything that I'm used to eating, because I've gotten bored with it; now have no idea what to eat because everything seems nauseating to me.]
Maybe this time, I'll explain to him more that I don't think it's so much a problem with my digestive tract and more with a possibly disordered way of thinking about my body and food. I think if I could see a nutritionist or a counselor it might help more than taking some form of medication at this point.
Long story short, I think that I feel bound to this idea of needing to gain weight partially because I have to answer to doctors who have been closely tracking my disease for seventeen years. I always feels like I've failed when I go in for a visit and without any progress to show for it. It's like I can't feel good about my body, because I know a doctor is going to say that where I am now is not good enough according to some bell curve chart that shows what's normal and what's not. That I'm not at a healthy place within myself, despite feeling like I am. It's like being called in to the Principal's office when you know you've done something wrong and you might be punished. In my case punishment may include some further testing, medication, therapy, or surgery. But hopefully it won't be so bad this time.
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