"What's under your shirt?"

I'm not sure if people knew what kind of surgery I had after my G-Tube put in. I remember my teacher making a little announcement to the class explaining that I would be leaving class a little early every day and that someone would need to carry my books for me--my friend Delaine offered to do that :) I didn't mind that so much. But being in middle school definitely had it's own set of hurdles.

It was after gym class and I had changed back into my clothes. I tried to be careful not to let people see my belly in the locker room, but one day shortly after approaching the bleachers, a boy that I didn't even know that well asked if he could see what was under my shirt. I, of course, said "NO!" to which he responded, "C'mon! Just let me see! Does it really look like a beach ball plug??" We battled like this for a while and a small crowd formed around me, but I never showed him. It made me feel like a real side show act. "Come one, come all! Live from the Epping Gymnasium, Brittany the Human Beach Ball!" Yeah. No way was I going to show him that.

Somehow in college I got over all that. I would show people I had just met my tube without any shame or hesitation. I don't know what came over me. College is a weird time. My freshman year, a girl I had known for a few months casually said, "Hey, what's that under your shirt?" Instead of cowering I said, "It's a tube," and promptly showed it to her. She just looked fascinated, not really freaked out. I spun it like it was more badass piercing than a belly button ring because it goes right through me instead of in and out of a small patch of skin. There was one guy that was convinced that I had a belly button ring, and when I kept telling him that I didn't he'd say, "Oh yes you do! I see it!" So of course I had no problem proving him wrong. I think it's hard trying to hide something like that all the time. For one thing, having a secret is exhausting and it's something I was conscious of almost all the time. Also, I think it's tricky to be a girl with a G-Tube in terms of clothing. Either you wear something that looks baggy and unflattering to conceal the bump, or you could wear something that normally would look good, but the bump is center stage. And trying to find a bathing suit that hid it well enough? Very difficult. I was mostly in tankinis if I went swimming at all. Dressing was a Catch-22 for a long time.

Somewhere after graduation I regained the shameful feelings I was so used to growing up. Maybe it was because I was out of that comfortable environment where I felt strong and confident. You know, a big fish small pond kind of thing. Back in the real world where the bubble is burst is a whole different place. A place without free counseling, body image workshops, and assertiveness training to get you through all the crap that people dump on you.