Reflection

This past week has gone pretty well. I've been feeling generally healthy and have tried not to let myself fall into negative thinking (despite one of my preschoolers asking me why my legs are so little a couple times this week). I had a small epiphany (an epiphany that I have every couple months or so, but typically let fall by the wayside) that I am focused far too much on fear and disease. My thinking patterns are so wrought with criticism and hopelessness, no wonder why I never feel 100 percent. I'd like to start looking more holistically at myself and include different types of alternative medicine to my daily life. For example, I recently read a book about Feng Shui and figured it couldn't hurt to apply a lot of that to our apartment--couldn't hurt right? (Side note: did you know that the center of every room represents its inhabitants' health? There was a lot of crumbs and clutter in the center of our rooms, time to do away with that if I'm gonna be gung ho about this.) Also, meditating is one band wagon I jump on from time-to-time, but I always end up forgetting about it or getting too frustrated or distracted while doing it to commit. But I've been doing it this week and have noticed that it has kept me more mindful of my surroundings and goings on inside my body. So anyways, for the past week I decided instead of wallowing, that I would try to be more proactive about my health and general wellness. In addition to the aforementioned activities, I've also been keeping track of everything that I eat, not just to have a better idea of calorie intake, but also to identify "trigger foods" (or foods that initiate symptoms). So far, that's been helpful. I think a lot of the time I believe I'm eating a lot and should be gaining weight--and while this is true on many days there are also days when I don't eat that much for a wide variety of reasons. It also makes me feel good to be more conscious of myself in a positive light--like I'm doing something good for my body. I've also started doing upper body exercising with small weights, and I've already started to notice some changes in myself. BUT, here's the psychological problem I have with this: I wonder if doing the workouts is a kind of step back in progress. While feeling stronger and more energized is definitely part of why I want to eat better and exercise, I worry a little that it is another way that I'm trying to hide my supposed inadequacies. I'm trying to change something about myself (like my small arms and bony shoulders) because looking at them the way they are makes me upset. If I am really working on self-esteem here, shouldn't I first accept in myself what I don't like before I try to change it? I mean, even though I don't see a huge difference, I already feel more confident in myself after just doing the work outs for a week. What I struggle with though is the fact that I'm putting a lot of energy into achieving a look that I consider "normal" instead of accepting that there is no true "normal." There are ideals, but those are impossible for most women to live up to. However, taking these steps is important to my overall health as well. I guess my base question for myself is: am I trying to eat better and exercise for the wrong reasons?