Doin' Alright

Not much has changed in the last few days. I have been very happy because I got a full time position at the day care I've been working at (instead of just temping there) so generally spirits have been high in that respect. But there are still times when I allow my self-esteem to get in the way of my positive attitude. For example, a girl in my current preschool class said, "You are sooo skinny!" to me a few times the other day and told me I needed to gain some weight. Which, coming from a four-year-old shouldn't bother me I know, but it was the weirdest thing. I immediately felt weaker after she said that. I felt shaken and like I hadn't eaten for days even though I just had breakfast an hour before. It was a strange stumbling point for me. I began thinking to myself, She's never said that before, maybe I look skinnier than usual. Maybe I've given myself too much freedom with my eating choices. Maybe I've lost just enough so that I look like Skeletor and I need to force myself to eat more again. I don't think it matters whether you're four or 104, words hurt no matter what mouths they come from. And you know what they say, kids are brutally honest.
Since then, I've become hyper-sensitive to people looking at me up and down on the subway and then hastily readjusting their gaze when I notice. They must think I have a problem. I listen to see if they are making judgmental remarks about me to their friends or partners, which is, I think, kind of self-absorbed of me to think that strangers are always talking about me; but if it is happening, I'd rather know what is being talked about (or not talked about) than imagine all the horrible things that could be said.
But there is much more to the world than weight and appearance and I've been trying to remember that. Plus, I'm really excited about the new job and all the positive feedback I've been given at work lately, and I know that's way more worthy of my attention. Also, I haven't been nearly as obsessive about germs as I usually am, which I mark as a step in the right direction. Kids are putting their hands all over my face and sneezing all over me and I'm not even concerned. I'm not sure where my brain shifted, but instead of incessantly worrying about getting sick and avoiding situations because of it, I've kind of embraced them. My thought is, What's the worst that can happen? You get sick, you're sick for a few days, and then you get better and appreciate wellness that much more. Big deal. I think the tipping point was when a kid barfed in my class last week and I looked at it face-to-puke. Sure it's gross, I thought, but really? I've spent the last 19 years of my life scared-shitless of this? I even offered to clean it up (slightly begrudgingly) but was thankfully off the hook. I don't even know how you'd go about cleaning up puke. Paper towels and bleach I guess. Anyway, so finally after years and years, vomiting is starting to lose some of its evil mysticism that I've held so dear. That's progress I'd say.