Day 1: July 7th

[Record of symptoms from July 7th]

Last night I had the most noticeable symptoms of Crohn's that I have experienced in a long time. (By "noticeable" I mean it more in terms of physical pain than constant anxiety.) Around 7:30pm I started to notice a pit of hunger in my stomach. I had snacked throughout the day but didn't have a big meal since breakfast. After being given a clean bill of health from my GI doc a couple months ago, I've been feeling confident enough in my disease to eat pretty much whatever I want. That being said, my boyfriend, Dave, and I decided to go to a local burger joint for some dinner. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal because I usually don't have any trouble eating a nice big bacon cheeseburger from time to time. Anyway, after gobbling up the burger and a side of fries, I immediately regretted it. It started small. My stomach felt full, but not really unpleasant at first. Then the "contracting" sensations began. It felt like every few minutes, my stomach would seize up for almost a minute and then go away. The intermittent pain was incredibly nauseating. All I could think about was the quarter pound of beef sitting inside of me while my stomach constricted around it. Gross. And again the anxiety of uncertainty abounded. I hated not knowing when the pain would start. I hated not knowing if it would stop soon or if I was in for a few days or weeks of this agony. I started worrying that the pain, coupled with my anxiety, would make me vomit. This is often my worst nightmare when I start feeling sick. When my stomach feels kind of iffy, I naturally worry that I am going to throw up and those feelings of anxiety fuel the nausea that makes it more likely that I will actually do so. It's a terribly vicious cycle. With all that in mind, I decided to call in sick to work today, because I didn't want to risk feeling this way all day--in public--and still have to function at a job where children depend on me. (I am a teacher's assistant in preschool.) As I lay in bed, the pain lasted until 3:30 in the morning. Every time I would drift into a quasi-slumber, the pain would wake me up until my drowsiness eventually overruled.

As a testament to the effects of anxiety on Crohn's Disease, all day today I've been afraid to eat. I've worried that if I eat I'm going to experience the same pain from yesterday all day today. At first I was sipping water and drinking nutritional supplements for fear that anything solid would disrupt the delicate balance between a good day and bad day. But slowly, I've stared eating bland, beige-colored "blah" food to test the waters; so far I've been pretty okay. It upsets me to know that I haven't eaten much today and that my weight might suffer for it. I can be so cautious sometimes that it is detrimental to my health and sanity I think.