Woa--it's out there now

I just wanted to thank everyone for reading my blog and for all the comments people sent on facebook today. I appreciate people taking the time to read my story. I started having a, "Holy Crap, this personal stuff is actually 'out there' for anyone to look at now" kind of moment and got a little freaked out, but at the same time I'm really happy to be finally getting all of this off of my chest. I feel like this part of my life has been mostly kept a secret--the details of it anyway. I'm sure that anyone who has kept a secret for a long time (in my case, seventeen years) knows that that kind of thing starts to wear on you. My hope in blogging all of this is that I can feel like I'm living a more open life and not like I have to make up excuses for who I am, but to be truthful in all of it. I realized lately that as a defense mechanism to when people ask me "why are you so skinny?" I usually say, "Because I have Crohn's," and that usually shuts them up, or at least opens up the conversation to something not of criticism but of respect and understanding. I always feel kind of weird saying it, but I think that maybe it will teach people to think twice before judging someone before knowing them, no matter what their story.

I Have Crohn's Disease

I have had Crohn's Disease since I was eight years old. At 25, it's hard to remember a time not having the disease. I'm realizing lately how much of my attention and emotions go into having a disease that nobody wants to talk about (or knows much about in my age bracket). So, I've decided to chronicle what it is like to be living with Crohn's on a daily basis. Even on the good days, the fickle nature of the disease constantly creeps into my psyche. Even on those good days, I know how quickly things can change.

Until recently, I haven't realized what a toll the disease has taken on my emotional and mental health. When I was in middle school, my doctor suggested that I see a psychiatrist and a counselor to help me deal with all the mental strain the disease can cause. I think I was too young to comprehend why I even needed to be there. I didn't think I needed a shrink for anything Crohn's-related. What could I possibly have to say about having Crohn's? (I know now that the answer is a lot.) I remember talking mostly about panic attacks, school, and general teenage angst. I had pretty much accepted the disease as a part of my life and didn't think about all the ways it was affecting me (and directly contributing to the teenage angst, panic attacks, and problems at school). I thought those things were detached from it; now as an adult, I can see how formative they were to the person I am today.

Another thought--I hate when people make judgments about me before knowing that I have Crohn's. I can't tell you the number of times strangers, customers, coworkers, random folk at parties, etc. have asked me if I am anorexic or bulimic out of the blue. (This started in fourth grade by the way, but more on that later.) The way they put it, they might as well be asking me the weather, like it's no big deal. I can be having the greatest day, symptom-free and feeling good about myself and then someone will shatter that by saying something like, "You're so skinny! Do you even eat??" "Did you lose weight? I'm really starting to worry about you," or my favorite, "How much do you weigh, 85/90 pounds?" When people start playing the "Guess My Weight Game" I usually lie and tell them that I am heavier than I am to save my pride and shut them up, because sometimes their snide guesses are pretty close to the truth. It drives me crazy that people have the balls to say things like that to me (or any women) by making their bodies the topic of scrutinizing conversation. It also makes me think that when people see me, they are not just seeing me, they are making assumptions about me, and often don't have an ounce of restraint when telling me exactly what they think. That makes me incredibly angry, as well as totally self-conscious while I wonder if that's how everyone thinks of me. (I know, I know, you shouldn't care what other people think, but c'mon. You know it's hard sometimes when public opinion is shoved in your face on almost a weekly basis.)

Needless to say, I've got some body-image issues related to the disease, but I'm working on them. I hope that this blog can be a place where people with Crohn's can share their stories and help each other out in the self-esteem department.