So, I realize that it has been a terribly long time since I have posted anything to this blog--9ish months to be exact--but I think I am ready to get back on the blogging wagon again. (Or is is off the wagon?) Anyway, the past nine months have been much of the same that I had written about previously in terms of the psychological preoccupation with being underweight and feeling like I look sickly. But I am starting to focus less and less on that because I have generally been feeling good. Really good for me actually. I work full time with two-year-olds now and I like to believe that they have made my immune system some kind of super-human germ fighting machine. So that's good. Thanks kiddos. I've also had to clean up throw up once or twice/witness it occur so the fear of vomit has become kind of a dull worry instead of an all-encompassing life obsession. You kind of start to lose your gag reflex in this field, I must say that.
Also in the last year, my college boyfriend passed away on my birthday. That was extremely hard. A lot of emotions arise when you lose someone you were once so close to. It has been strange to deal with, because we hadn't been together for years and hadn't really communicated much since we broke up either, but a whole lot of confusing feelings kept coming to the surface. This whole whirlwind of grief had so many different feelings and responses: loss; denial; guilt; remorse; depression; withdrawal; loss of appetite; feeling like you don't have a single thought in your whole head, but then inevitably having too many thoughts to even begin to process at one time; numbness; blank wall staring; not sleeping; sleeping all day; fear; fearlessness; feeling connected; and always wondering if you could have said or done something differently. It is an ongoing process, but I am handling it reasonably well (for me anyway). I am typically so hyper-focused on sickness and death that it is almost paralyzing, but I almost feel reassured that he is alright in some way. Like, since he let himself pass on into whatever lies ahead on the other side, there is somehow nothing really to fear in life. It really helps put mundane worries and life's little problems into perspective. Our last conversation actually happened because of this blog. He had read it and wrote me a really heartfelt message on facebook that, in retrospect, feels especially meaningful. I think part of me was not ready to come back to this blog for some reason because of that. I don't know how that makes any sense, but I'm sure I'll hyper analyze it until it does.
So anyway, I will try to keep up with this as much as I can, and at least be posting more than once every nine months. Sorry to be such a downer the first time back by the way (not that most of my posts are not at least kind of a bummer). All things considered, this was probably the biggest life-shaking events to happen in my life during my pseudo-absence so I figured I should write about it. It really affected every part of my life for a few months--including my health--but things are better now. I am finding more peace and have done more soul searching in the last few months than ever before. I'm finding that with loss can come growth and healing, which is a hard concept to grasp at first blush. But experiencing something like this really does make you appreciate all the people and relationships in your life that much more. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch a basketball game with one of those special people now :) Goodnight!
Also in the last year, my college boyfriend passed away on my birthday. That was extremely hard. A lot of emotions arise when you lose someone you were once so close to. It has been strange to deal with, because we hadn't been together for years and hadn't really communicated much since we broke up either, but a whole lot of confusing feelings kept coming to the surface. This whole whirlwind of grief had so many different feelings and responses: loss; denial; guilt; remorse; depression; withdrawal; loss of appetite; feeling like you don't have a single thought in your whole head, but then inevitably having too many thoughts to even begin to process at one time; numbness; blank wall staring; not sleeping; sleeping all day; fear; fearlessness; feeling connected; and always wondering if you could have said or done something differently. It is an ongoing process, but I am handling it reasonably well (for me anyway). I am typically so hyper-focused on sickness and death that it is almost paralyzing, but I almost feel reassured that he is alright in some way. Like, since he let himself pass on into whatever lies ahead on the other side, there is somehow nothing really to fear in life. It really helps put mundane worries and life's little problems into perspective. Our last conversation actually happened because of this blog. He had read it and wrote me a really heartfelt message on facebook that, in retrospect, feels especially meaningful. I think part of me was not ready to come back to this blog for some reason because of that. I don't know how that makes any sense, but I'm sure I'll hyper analyze it until it does.
So anyway, I will try to keep up with this as much as I can, and at least be posting more than once every nine months. Sorry to be such a downer the first time back by the way (not that most of my posts are not at least kind of a bummer). All things considered, this was probably the biggest life-shaking events to happen in my life during my pseudo-absence so I figured I should write about it. It really affected every part of my life for a few months--including my health--but things are better now. I am finding more peace and have done more soul searching in the last few months than ever before. I'm finding that with loss can come growth and healing, which is a hard concept to grasp at first blush. But experiencing something like this really does make you appreciate all the people and relationships in your life that much more. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch a basketball game with one of those special people now :) Goodnight!
